Rest in Wilderness Seasons

God is still moving in the wilderness

This year was one of the toughest years I have had in a while. We have been getting settled in New Jersey and as an autistic individual with ADHD and OCD, it takes me a while to feel comfortable in new spaces. Unlike our last big move as a family, I wanted to honor that this time. I wanted to give myself the space to feel settled with little pressure and I did until summer when I started to experience a lot of random symptoms all at once. Most of these symptoms were not new to me. In fact, I have been experiencing them for decades. However, last summer I experienced them all at once and intensely. Feeling lightheaded, passing out, hives, joint pain, weight gain, extreme fatigue, brain fog and more. Suddenly I had to do research about the doctors in our area to see which ones were well known for symptoms I was experiencing. From July-November I had about three doctors appointments a week trying to figure out the cause(s) of these symptoms. There were a lot of invasive and high sensory input tests and procedures but I finally got the diagnosis: Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, PCOS, POTs, and MCAS.

In the midst of this medical journey, we have also been trying to figure out how to get more support for our neurodivergent family. Putting together a medical team who is well-informed with these conditions as well as how scoliosis and being neurodivergent impact my health while attending 504 meetings, writing a book, working, studying for seminary, being a mom and wife have left me feeling as though I am in a wilderness season that is endless. In this wilderness season, I am tempted to think nothing good can grow here and then I realize that small moments of joy our happening all around me. In a strange way, this year has also been filled with moments that allowed me to be filled with so much joy. Like making smores with my husband and son, getting a literary agent, writing a book for autistic Christians (I’m at 35,000 words and almost finished) and speaking at non-profit organizations to encourage others to release the shame narrative around their autism experience.

Life in the wilderness calls for me to live in the tension of conflicting feelings. Wilderness seasons call for me to release my expectations and experience the grief that comes with letting go and embracing the moments of joy I experience along the way. In this wilderness season, I am reminded that God is the one carrying me. He is the one sustaining me. In this wilderness, I am reminded of the loads I am carrying and how they are not mine to bear. It is here that I can give God my expectations, release my hypervigilant response and all of the worries that stimulate my mind in exchange for rest. YHWH is the one who is giving me rest, true rest. It is a rest that allows me to place the work on his shoulders. Wilderness seasons do not mean the absence of God working. Nor do they mean the absence of God’s presence. Just as God met so many in the wilderness, like Hagar, Moses, and Jesus, he delights in meeting us the wilderness too. Perhaps then, there is a rest that is available to me in wilderness seasons. It is one that fuels my faith and renews my hope. It is here, resting in God that I find myself refreshed with new hope. If this resonated with you, may you be reminded that God is with you always, even in wilderness seasons.